Just this past week, I had suicidal ideations. What that means, I had thoughts of suicide. I even had a plan that I could see in my mind and I could rehearse the act over and over again. I texted my psychologist and he called me, being very concerned. I felt as if this were no big deal, partly because I was also swinging to the other pole, hypomania. I was going like 90 at work. Barely stopping long enough to breathe!
While my psychologist was trying to push me to call my psychiatrist for a medicine adjustment or I think even a referral to the mental hospital, he reminded me of one of the cornerstone symptoms of bipolar which is risky behavior. I am no stranger to risky behavior. I can see that if I did not get help, I could, on a whim, attempt my suicide plan.
I did not call my psychiatrist because I know for a fact that he does not want to adjust my medication. Plus he has said he does not know what to do with my medicine in regards to my episodes. Then, I was afraid he would write an order for the mental hospital. All I could think of were my responsibilities not being met if I were to be admitted to the hospital. I felt like I could not take time out of my life to focus on getting me healthy.
Two days away from that crazy day, I am feeling better now. I learned some things from all this. I learned that I have a very caring and very supportive psychologist. I learned that my mental health is more important than a job. I learned that suicide can be very alluring. When I thought about my plan, it seemed almost poetic. I need some people that I can lean on to help me when I am in a crisis. I did have my one friend who also has bipolar 1 and is a therapist who kept texting with me that day. She gave me telephone numbers to call for help. She encouraged me the entire time to get help from somewhere. I learned I desperately need to take time for myself.
I know suicide is a difficult subject to talk about, but you need to have knowledge about it so you can help someone who might need a friend. You also need to have the knowledge about suicide because you may be the one who needs the help.
We will be discussing more about suicide, prevention, risks and ways to overcome it and much more on upcoming blogs on https://lifeconquering.org/.
Here are some links to websites with helpful information on suicide.
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