Good Bye Purpose
When I was told I had bipolar disorder almost ten years ago, it rocked my world. Everything was turned upside down. I felt I had no purpose. I was a public middle school teacher at the time. It had gotten to the point where lesson planning was almost impossible for me. My once perfect organization came undone like a kitten playing with a ball of yarn. I had zero focus. I was no longer able to lead teachers or students. The basic functions of the job were crushing me — I could not function in my career as a teacher. We figured it was the stress from the job that was aggravating my bipolar, so I saw no other way to save my health but to leave my career at the schoolhouse behind.
The day I ended my career in education was the day I thought I lost my life’s purpose. I had plans to become as assistant principal within the next five years. I even entertained the idea of one day being a superintendent. All those dreams went up in smoke. I felt as if I no longer had a purpose.
A New Purpose
In the coming weeks and months after I resigned from teaching, I began researching my next career. The career I chose to pursue was paralegal. I saw this as my new purpose. I loved my classes at the university. I graduated from the program with a 4.0 and was awarded a scholarship. But that 4.0 was achieved through blood, sweat, tears and prayer (not in that particular order). I shook like a leaf with anxiety every time I went to class. I called my husband crying when I studied because it was difficult for me to grasp the concepts. The entire time I was in school, I believed I did not have what it took to be a paralegal – smart, resourceful, able to think quickly on her feet, flexible, organized, level headed and the ability to work under pressure.
I was so frustrated. First teaching and now this career! And I had not even begun seriously working full time as a paralegal. Did I make the correct career choice? Is my purpose supposed to be this difficult? Am I going to struggle the rest of my working life? The only thing left was to pray.
My Real Purpose
I soon realized it was not about me and what I brought to the table. It was not that at all! Through countless prayers during that time like “Calm my anxious spirit.” “Slow my racing thoughts so I can concentrate.” “Help clear my mind so I may retain what I am studying.”, God continuously showed me and still does to this day that it is about Him working through me in whatever situation (or career) I find myself in. The actual career whether it is a nurse, gas station attendant, banker, accountant, doctor, lawyer, engineer, day care worker, or a garbage man, is just the vehicle that God uses to shine His love into this dark world. THAT is my purpose — allowing God to work through me so that others may see Him in me…even as a person with bipolar 1 with psychotic features.
If I am an empty vessel in which God can pour His Holy Spirit in, He can do great things — even if I am shaking like a leaf. That time in my life is a testimony to how God can take a life and use it even with the limitations of the body and mind. With my career as a paralegal, I have had many chances to shine the light of God’s love to the people and the clients in the offices where I have worked even when the bipolar shows up in my cube.
Pray for Purpose
It doesn’t matter if you are newly divorced, newly diagnosed, a new Christian, newly released, newly widowed, newly abandoned, God has a purpose for you. What are you waiting for? Start praying!
More Information on Bipolar Disorder
For more information on bipolar disorder, check out this link:
http://www.dbsalliance.org/site/PageServer?pagename=home