When I am at work, I give it my all. Sometimes a manic episode kicks in and I put everything in over-drive. On the flip-side, the depression makes me feel like I am moving through cement. I spend most of my time cycling back and forth from mania to depression or having a mixed episode where I have both a manic episode and a depressive state at the same time. I have little strength to do my work.
At the end of the work day, as you can imagine, I feel exhausted from all the mental and physical effort that I put into it. My job is important to me; I cannot screw up so all my energy is poured out between 9 a.m. and 5 p.m. That allows barely enough strength left for me, my husband, my dogs and our house, not to mention God and friends and family or writing.
Isaiah 40:28-31
I was reading a devotional the other day and the key section of scripture was from Isaiah 40:28-31:
Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.
He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.
Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
but those who hope in the Lord
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.
These verses were like warm sunshine on a winter day in the Arctic for me. I was familiar with this section in Isaiah, yes. But…I never let it sink in and become applicable to me and my life. So, I paused. I had to. God wanted to tell me something. I knew the strength I needed to come from a Supernatural Source.
Have I felt weary? Yes! Just about every day when I came home from work. Did I feel tired? Yes! I felt exhausted every night — couldn’t barely keep my eyes open. Strength, what strength?
God is never weary or tired. He will give strength and power to ME to face my situation! So, when I am feeling exhausted and tired and weak and powerless and drained, I just look to Him with hope.
When my depression has me struggling to walk through cement all day, I hope in God and I will soar high above the exhaustion, tiredness, weakness, powerlessness and draining feeling.
When the manic episodes have me unable to focus on my work tasks, my hope in God will help me run and not grow weary – giving me strength to keep the mania from getting out of handing..
All day rapid cycling is no match to God. He will help me walk and not be faint.
I have bipolar I, therefore I am going to have depression and mania. The type of bipolar I have is both rapid cycling and mixed episodes. That will not change. Until they find a cure for bipolar, I will constantly battle with this day-in and day-out. Even still, I have the chance to soar every day.
The one thing that is constant is our Heavenly Father. He is the same yesterday, today and forever. I know that come Monday morning, I will wake up to the usual symptoms, go to work and start the “dance of the poles” all over again. But I know Who is in charge. And I believe Isaiah 40. I may have had a stressful day, but in the end, I am soaring, walking and not fainting. My God’s strength is tireless.