I have not only been dealing with depression for about the last month and a half, I have also been experiencing mixed episodes, ultra-rapid cycling, and mania.
My brain likes to cycle through depression and mania
Every day since the middle of October, I have had some combination of mania and/or depression multiple times throughout the day. There for a while, I was cycling pretty quickly. My p-doc prescribed medicine for the bipolar which would bring the current count of different drugs I take throughout a given day to eight. I was hoping this drug would slow down the cycling and minimize the mixed episodes. Dr. DeLand started me on a very small dose of this originally-used-as an anti-epileptic drug. All it did was make me spend more time in the depression end of the pool of thoughts.
A Big fat FAILURE – my depression and me
Each time depression overtakes my body, I feel like a big failure since I drop off the face of the earth and I don’t write for a very long period. During this time, there is always so much to write about but with so little focus, motivation, and energy to write.
Bipolar is cyclical. This is my promise to you that I will have crazy bipolar cycles that will last for several weeks sometime in the future for the rest of my life. I know I need to remember to keep blogging. Even if it is a paragraph or just a sentence. At least you guys will know I am still here.
“Shhh! I’m hunting jobs!”
The week before Thanksgiving, I went on an interview. I would have been offered the job on the spot if there wasn’t such a snafu with insurance. Long story. All that to say, I did not get the job. (During the interview, my depression lifted for a few moments and I was extremely manic.)
There have been many an application completed and sent off to various companies. I am trying to find a job with steadier pay as opposed to freelancing which is so lucrative. I am only trying for part-time work so as not to take on too much stress, I am looking at the physical space, too. One of the qualifications I am looking for in a job is the ease for me to be able to get up and move a bunch on the job. This means, no “cubical city” or receptionist’s desk! Yahoo!
As of now, I have two interviews on Monday, December 1st. Both jobs sound like fun and doable. However, tonight I began experiencing high anxiety. Like an 8 or a 9 on a scale of 1-10 with one being tiny anxiety to 10 which is hand me a bucket so I can throw up. Right now as I am typing this post, I am nausea. Also my entire body is tense and I have a bad stress headache. Ugh! The interview doesn’t scare me. It is actually going to the job, staying there all day, and staying with the company until I die.
What about Life Conquering?
I am even more “in” than I ever was with my mental health speaking and writing outreach. I love what I do with Life Conquering – A Mental Health Outreach. I will never retire because this Outreach will always be something that I want to do for Jesus.
If you know of an online or print publication that pays contributing authors or someone who needs a blogger for their company, please pass the info my way. Of course I can write about subjects other than mental health. I would really appreciate it! To be honest, I would much rather make a living as a freelance writer than at a job outside of the house due to the severe anxiety I get.
Call to Action
If you haven’t written me an email yet, please do. I would love to hear about your story. I will do my best to reply in a decent time frame. firstname.lastname@example.org