Well, I did not fall off the face of the earth, nor did the bipolar swallow me whole. I am still here. I apologize for not writing these past few weeks. However, I must be honest with you, I wanted nothing to do with writing. The depression side of biolar caused me to lose interest in my passion and the pleasure I found in being creative was diminished. I did not even try to write. The laptop remained closed and I continued being miserable. My words were silent. I later realized I was experiencing anhedonia. Anhedonia is a symptom of depression. People with anhedonia lose interest in things they used to find pleasurable. Let me be clear, not all people who experience depression have anhedonia as a symptom. Right now, I find very few things interesting or pleasurable. It sucks. But I am still alive! For that I am thankful for.
Bipolar is cyclical meaning most if not all of my symptoms repeat themselves in a sort of circular patern. For instance, I will experience anhedonia for several weeks to a month or longer particularly in the fall and winter months. Then come spring and summer, I need less sleep and have an over abundance of energy and drive even faster than I normally drive. This will happen year after year with very little change. It may seem predictable, but it really isn’t on a daily basis. I have experienced hypomania in the fall and depression in the summer.
These constant changes in moods really have the tendency to put the breaks on things in my life and silences my writing. I know that I should not let this mental illness get the best of me, but bipolar I with psychotic features is really difficult to live with even while taking medication.
I just recently hit one of my first birthday milestones. It has made me look with a fine toothed comb at my life thus far. Things may not have been what I wanted them to be so far, but I have the chance to make my life the way I want it from this moment forward.
What makes you silent? What stops you from fullfilling a dream? Changing jobs or even changing careers? Moving to another location? Adopting a child from another country? Going to college? Email me at firstname.lastname@example.org and let me know what is stopping you and whtat it is going to take to move past that barrier.
Here are some resources on anhedonia: