The Psychology of Growing Older and Becoming Pensive


Leading up to my 40th birthday last year, I had a really hard time with this number.  The psychology of my life hit me.  I was afraid that maybe half if not more of my life was over.  As the months turned into weeks then turned into days before the big 4-0 would hit, I became an even bigger mess.

The Twenties

In college, I began to show more signs of bipolar.  My mood swings deeply affected friendships.  I never thought to get help.  After college, my self-esteem got a boost when I lost a lot of weight.  This was a double-edged sword.  I was in the best health of my life.  But the boost to my self-esteem was like pouring lighter fluid on a bonfire.  I grew increasingly out-of-control that decade.

Married Life


1 body +1 body = 1 heart

I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder a year after we were married.  I don’t remember the first year with my husband.  I was so depressed that I could hardly go to work and teach eighth graders.  At home, I did not cook because it was too overwhelming and besides I did not have the energy.  A lot of other chores fell to the wayside due to my constantly shifting moods.

Our first ten years of marriage was horrible because of me.  My bipolar ruled my life.  I slept a lot, cried a lot, sat around a lot and ate a lot.  I was like a ghost.  I knew something drastic had to happen or my marriage would be doomed.

The Mystery of God’s Psychology

After I finished reminiscing about the past, I prayed the type of prayer where I closed my mouth and let Jesus speak to my heart.


Praying to God

Once my prayer time ended, I felt that I now had a purpose.  I began learning from my past instead of hating it.  I would desperately need the lessons from way back to show love, grace, friendship and tolerance to the world.

Since then, I have realized that my purpose is to minister to the mentally ill through Life Conquering; I am learning how to love people like Jesus; I was a stranger to grace when I was younger, now I can extend grace to others; I have made friends since then who are so fundamentally different from me that if I did not go through my past, I would be unable to love them like I do today.


Do you have an epiphany-like birthday that has changed you?  Please leave your comments below or email me at

Going Further