Leading up to my 40th birthday last year, I had a really hard time with this number. The psychology of my life hit me. I was afraid that maybe half if not more of my life was over. As the months turned into weeks then turned into days before the big 4-0 would hit, I became an even bigger mess.
In college, I began to show more signs of bipolar. My mood swings deeply affected friendships. I never thought to get help. After college, my self-esteem got a boost when I lost a lot of weight. This was a double-edged sword. I was in the best health of my life. But the boost to my self-esteem was like pouring lighter fluid on a bonfire. I grew increasingly out-of-control that decade.
I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder a year after we were married. I don’t remember the first year with my husband. I was so depressed that I could hardly go to work and teach eighth graders. At home, I did not cook because it was too overwhelming and besides I did not have the energy. A lot of other chores fell to the wayside due to my constantly shifting moods.
Our first ten years of marriage was horrible because of me. My bipolar ruled my life. I slept a lot, cried a lot, sat around a lot and ate a lot. I was like a ghost. I knew something drastic had to happen or my marriage would be doomed.
The Mystery of God’s Psychology
After I finished reminiscing about the past, I prayed the type of prayer where I closed my mouth and let Jesus speak to my heart.
Once my prayer time ended, I felt that I now had a purpose. I began learning from my past instead of hating it. I would desperately need the lessons from way back to show love, grace, friendship and tolerance to the world.
Since then, I have realized that my purpose is to minister to the mentally ill through Life Conquering; I am learning how to love people like Jesus; I was a stranger to grace when I was younger, now I can extend grace to others; I have made friends since then who are so fundamentally different from me that if I did not go through my past, I would be unable to love them like I do today.
Do you have an epiphany-like birthday that has changed you? Please leave your comments below or email me at firstname.lastname@example.org.