To Disclose or Not to Disclose
I had dinner the other night with one of my former co-workers who I had not disclosed my mental illness to. When we worked together, she was also a supervisor, mentor, crisis situation handler, super glue dispenser, Christian and my friend. I had a lovely time with her catching up on each other’s lives. We had not seen one another since I resigned over two years ago.
Before we met up, I prayed about wanting to disclose to her that I have bipolar. I knew above all she would not judge and would accept me for who I am. The funny thing is when I told her, she was in disbelief at first. It was rather comical. I simply told her I had to hide it. She understood.
Letting it All Hang Out
I HATE hiding my bipolar. My heart’s desire is to be able to disclose my bipolar at my job, at the grocery store, wherever. I was watching a few minutes of the movie, “Silver Linings, Playbook” with Jennifer Lawrence and Bradly Cooper. Watching them interact with each other, where disclosure is not a thing at all. I long to be able to “let my hair down”. But I do not want to “embarrass anybody. Do you see me rolling my eyes?
I love the scene where they are at Ronnie’s house and Tiffany (Jennifer Lawrence) stands straight up and announces that she is leaving. Do you know how many times in the past that I made myself miserable because I stayed way past my expiration date? Then she says to Pat (Bradly Cooper) “Well aren’t you walking me home?” She totally says what is on her mind.
Since I am not allow to disclose my bipolar, I scream my head off on a daily basis with no noise coming from my lips. I whisper things under my breath so no one can hear and I want to jump out of my chair and tell this lady to “F’ing shut up!” Oh, that would feel so good. Like melted butter on a heap of mashed potatoes at Thanksgiving.
But I don’t do it. I come close, real close.
Medicines Do Help
I know that the medicines I am on (which are many and with high dosages) are reining me in. There is a tremendous difference in me when I was off meds. I was crazy. Anything came out of my mouth. And I did anything. I was very promiscuous. That is when I became real good at lying. Looking back, yeah, there were some good times like whizzing through grad school without remembering anything of consequence. One of the most important nuggets of truth from grad school was “as a principal, be sure not to pick your nose in public. Someone could recognize you.” LOL! I am serious! I had a professor tell us that in one of my K-12 Public School Administration courses.
Jesus the Prince of Peace
I know that in the middle of the urges to act out, Jesus is walking next to me the entire time. He never leaves. He sticks closer than a brother. He loves me no matter what. Just like Dorie in “Finding Nemo”, she would say “Keep swimming, swimming, swimming”. I keep praying, praying, praying. He will never leave me nor forsake me. His peaceful presence brings my feet back down to the earth.